LAWS OF ATTRACTION: THE DARK SIDE

This is the third in a series of posts on romantic love.
Mirror of Erised
The Love Lottery

Let's talk about attraction. So far I have only addressed attraction in terms of the emotional wounds that we have, and what I call the "hormone haze" and the individual monologues of being "in love."

The "right" partner does need to have the complementary healing patterns necessary to our own. But s/he must also be compatible in mundane life. I am going to address this more in the next post. In this post I am going to get personal and talk about the dark side.

It is important to operate at a conscious level when seeking a mate. Especially if you are seriously damaged. Because if you aren't operating at a conscious level you will be driven by those dangerous dungeon monsters. You will find yourself in relationships with partners that serve no other purpose than to feed those monsters, i.e., heal those wounds. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

I am attracted to men that don't want a relationship at all. The Harville Hendrix Imago can seem like a trap for the seriously damaged.

One stunning realisation I had last year was that my romantic fantasies are generated by the same place as my childhood fantasies about my father returning and "rescuing" me. (By same place I mean my sexual/creative chakra, located in the groin, often seen as orange in colour. This was an epiphany that I felt psychically, not mentally or emotionally.)

My father left when I was very young, and he never had any contact with us or paid any child support. The relationship I grew up having with a father figure/men was with a fantasy. I created a new father for every situation where I felt lacking or unhappy. The knight in shining armour is at first the father, and then eventually the mate. A child with a parent who was at least present might have had romantic daydreams about a parent, but the parent's reality was at least there. With no real human in the role of father I had no way to frame a future partner. I had no reference.

When I was runaway in my early teens I attracted alot of predators. A child believes that they have power over their parents. The power to make an absent parent return; the power to heal an unhappy or sick parent. And children will punish themselves if the parent does not respond the way they wish. I punished myself by believing that I was not worthy of male attention. No matter how much I got it was never enough.

Any guilt or resentment or anger will attract predators. And I was already a victim. I was a victim of my father leaving me, of an unhealthy emotional atmosphere at home, of a mentally ill mother. As I said in my last post, you can only attract what you are. The victim and the predator are different sides of the same coin. (Don't be either one. Find a coin with two healthy sides and be that.)

But even as an adult, and even with many years of therapy and self examination under my belt, I still have to deal with the trap of my Imago. When I have been under stress, and operating at a really repressed level, I find myself with addicts and alcoholics. Even at my most conscious and focused I attract extremely creative self-absorbed men (musicians), or workaholics. (My best relationship-- in terms of least bad behaviour, pain, guilt, anger, etc-- was with an activist who was often out of town and rarely at home.)

I meet the best men when I have given up on relationships all together. They are always my perfect Imago (abandoning, absent father becomes mate who will abandon and/or be absent). And they are usually the most compatible and least unhealthy. But the minute I ask for any committment, they scuttle off.

I have never been able to work through this except to hope that one day I would be healthy enough to attract- and be attracted to-- a man that did not want a relationship, but would want one with me. That was the best I could seem to concieve of.

But I have come to realise, mostly when writing this, but it's been germinating for awhile, that it is not just Horatio that needs to dream beyond his philosophy, but I need to, as well.

Inside the Imago is the key to your damage. But it takes alot of peeling to get down to it. I am not sure I am all the way there yet, but I know that I have to accept that I am worthy of the relationship I want. I have to know that I can have the healthy, satisfying, mutual relationship that I deserve.

Everyone deserves a healthy, satisfying, mutual, relationship.

A final note: For the seriously damaged there is an additional problem of anxiety. The deeper the wound, the more anxious one is to heal it. I know a bit about anxiety. I daresay that anxiety has always been my true mate and companion, and the men (some women, too) were the by-products of my relationship with my anxiety. I offer two things:

First, remember that every time you change, you are going to have to watch yourself a little more carefully. The metaphor I use alot is dancing: You might know how to do the foxtrot, but if you really get down into your core and make changes, you have new feet! You need to watch them. You need to focus on what you are doing. Those new feet might be a little clumsy. You need to get used to doing the same things a different way. You are going to be anxious.

Second, the answer is, as always, Love. Love for self. Unconditionally. Whether you are the one walking away or the one who was rejected, you have to remember that you are doing the best you can. Have patience. Remember that alot of that anxiety is being created by a set of expectations that your wound-- your hurting self-- wants satisfied so that you can be healed.

True happiness and healing can never be made to bow to expectations that were created in pain.

Keep affirming your wellness and wholeness. Keep giving yourself Love. If you are too anxious you could get led away from your true "soul-mate." And I don't just mean that you will miss Mister or Missus Right when they come strolling down the street, I mean you could get distracted from yourself-- you are your true soul-mate. Who you are on this planet is your own soul's companion through this journey.

Let even the darkness be blessed.

PRAISES, THANKS, & BLESSINGS!!!