THE LOVE LOTTERY

This post is really a continuation of my last one, The Mirror of Erised.

Many people, I am (or have been) one of them, either consciously or unconsciously, views romantic love the same way one views the lottery. Buy the ticket with the right numbers, and for just one dollar you can win millions.

In other words, the quest for love is really the quest for the "right" person. And by "right" what we mean is "the person who has no needs that contradict mine, and if they do, will acquiesce and let me have my way." This godly, omnipotent creature must also be psychic and able to fulfill the needs that we cannot verbalise-perhaps too ashamed to admit we have- or that we are unaware that we even have. (Identifying these needs and what motivates them is at the heart of the Harville Hendrix book Keeping The Love You Find.)

And in our visual, outer-directed, consumer and consumption oriented society there is a whole other can worms in the "right" person in that they should look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, be rich and powerful, or forever 21 and able to do all of the positions in the Kama Sutra.

"Wake me up inside/ Call my name and save me from my dark/ Bid my blood to run /Before I come undone/ Save me from the nothing I've become..." --Evanescence

As I said in my last post, no one can make you whole. Wholeness has to come from inside you. No one can "save you from your dark". And if you have become "nothing" only you can find the way back to something. But we are here to love, romantically, as well as Love, unconditionally. And while I called love the weak sister of Love, she is necessary. Some things cannot be completely accomplished alone.

For one thing, everyone has something that they want to offer another person, even if it's just a fantastic orgasm. And fantastic orgasms aren't as much fun solo as they are in a pair. (Yes, another bad pun, I know.) We do need a partner to "wake us up inside", to reach into our "core where we've become so numb." Because that dungeon where we keep the broken parts of ourselves is a cold and lonely place. It's only worth it to really go down there when there is damn good motivation. (Like a fantastic orgasm, or the chance to share something that is deeply personal.)

We are not on this planet to do everything on our own. Most of us- and I do mean most, not all- are meant to explore romantic love with a partner. You cannot really know who you are until your desires come in conflict with the person who is your partner in all of those fantastic orgasms. Until your desire to love and heal comes face to face with your own need to be loved and healed.

Hendrix proposes that the hormone driven euphoria of "being in love" is really Nature's way of tricking us. He believes, and I agree, that we will continue to be attracted to the same kind of person over and over again, because they share the negative traits of our parents, or primary caretakers. Of course, if you were able to see through the hormone haze and recognise that the man you are dating has the same bad temper that your ex-husband had, you wouldn't get into the relationship. And according to Hendrix, you need that relationship, because you have growth that can only be accomplished by working through your issues with a bad-tempered man.

But you have to be willing to go down into your own dark, into your own dungeon where you keep all the parts of yourself that you are afraid of anyone seeing or knowing about. And I just want to add here that everyone on this planet, unless they are incredibly enlightened, is afraid that if anyone ever really knew them, they wouldn't be loved. And everyone on this planet is hard-wired to avoid pain before seeking pleasure. Since your parents created the pain of dealing with bad tempers, you will find your hard-wired subconscious mind wanting to run once you see it in that man.

I have a theory that if you are "in reaction" to something you are not viewing it objectively. I know a lot of people who were raised strict Catholics, and they became so sick of having religion shoved down their throats when they were young they want nothing to do with any religion as adults. This is not the same as the Catholic who has left the Church because, after consciously examining the theology, they have decided that it is not a suitable spiritual path. The latter will not have any sort of negative reaction to going to an occasional Mass, or discussing catechism.

Conversely, I know many people who are still bound to the religion that they were raised in, even if it means that they live a good portion of their lives feeling like hypocrites or worse, or that they are breaking Supreme Law and are going to hell when they die. Similar comparisons can be made to the person who has become so afraid of relationships that they cannot even entertain the thought of one. And then there is the person who is so afraid of not being "in relation" to someone that they will seek companionship even if it is unhealthy or destructive. (For the record, I have been both in my life, although generally the latter.)

The trick is to be conscious, and to find a partner who is also conscious, and willing to work with you.

Someone emailed me the other day and said, "Next time you are doing witchcraft, could you ask the Goddess to send me the perfect man?" I wrote her back and told her, "Honey, I just met the perfect man, and it turns out that what I had to do was walk away from him." Be careful what you wish for. Because until you have a handle on what is going on down in that dungeon, you can't attract the love you deserve. Until you can be the mate that you want, you cannot attract the partner that will make the equation "two wholes make two and a half" instead of "two halves don't make a whole."

However, any romantic encounter can lead you to a greater understanding of your wounds, and what needs healing. I can testify to that. I have learned more recently from a minor infatuation than I have learned in relationships that lasted for several years. And this credit cannot go to the source of my infatuation, but solely to my own commitment to my growth and healing.

This is what I meant in my last post, that it is worth it to go down in the dungeon at any opportunity. In a previous post-- I don't recall which one-- I mentioned that often we pray for the wrong things. We pray for the "perfect" mate, when what we need to pray for is the guidance and courage to become worthy of the perfect mate; to be the perfect mate. You can only attract what you are.

And that means owning up to what you really want. If you want a relationship and you are too fearful to admit that, you will keep finding partners who only want sex (the bane of women) or friendship (the bane of men). Or if you can't be okay with the fact that you are "a player" you will keep attracting partners who want a relationship.

And if you don't love yourself for who you really are, you cannot expect anyone else to.

That doesn't mean that you should walk around with your dungeon door open and expect your potential partners to prove their love by running down there and getting mutilated by all the hungry monsters. That means you have to love those monsters, and keep them warm and safe and fed, and inventoried. Then, hopefully, you will find someone who is willing to go down there with you when the lights are out, or the howling has gotten too loud.

And I will tell you, something else I have learned, you must have other relationships that sustain you. Your relationship with yourself should be enough, but it won't always be. You need your friends, especially, and your hobbies, your dreams, your work.

And you need Love. You need unconditional Love for yourself, and at some point that will grow into unconditional Love for others, including all those imperfect, would-be mates. And even before that unconditional Love grows inside of you, probably, you will find the real "right" partner. Because you will be the "right" partner. You will be the winning ticket.

PRAISES, THANKS, & BLESSINGS!!!