HAPPY SECRETS

THE SECRET, PART 2

If you haven't read my previous post THE SECRET AND MY SECRET please do so before reading this one.

Let's go back to our late spouse. Now, let's say we have asked ourselves alot of questions about why this irritates us so much. (Why lateness? Why not the wet towels left on the bathroom floor, or the tendency to embellish vacation stories, etc? ) We have discovered that when we were growing up being punctual was very important. We have remembered that our father, who was always passed over for promotions, prided himself on always being punctual. He was always at his desk at eight, even though his "lazy boss" would breeze in as late as 8:15.

In fact, being on time was a really big deal in our household when we were growing up. The worth of a person-- be it our sister's date, flaky Aunt Tilda, etc-- was often prejudged on their promptness. We get alot of self-satisfaction and sense of being a "good" person when we are on time. And we are "right." Our spouse should be punctual and show respect for us by being on time. Since we are such sticklers for punctuality we can really "nail" our spouse when s/he is late.

And let's be honest, we probably have alot of other issues with our spouse, and not all of them can be argued rationally. Many of us feel that our spouse is here on this planet to fufill our needs and make us happy. And being late does not make us happy. Some of us might be upset and unhappy all day when our spouse is late. Even thought it is expected behaviour! Our spouse might be late nine times out of ten, and it will still make us unhappy. It might even ruin the rest of the day.

Now, I might be a little extreme in this example, but feel free to substitute something that you feel is of proper gravity. Your chronically late spouse is late in the morning, which makes you late, and you are irritated all morning at work. Perhaps in trying to manage your anger you have more than one conversation about it, or perhaps you shut other people out altogether. (There is a stereotype here that the first example would be a woman and the second a man.)

In this one situation alone, on just this one particular morning, there are three major obstacles to achieving "the secret" of the wealthy, healthy, abundant, happy, safe life. First, if someone else has the power to "make" you feel something, you are not in control of creating your own reality. Second, many propopents of the "positive thought/law of attraction/everything is energy" school of thought would say that something in you--not your spouse- is creating the experience of lateness with your spouse; that you, in fact are attracting that late behaviour. Third, you are not living in the moment. Not when your spouse is late (s/he is "always" late) and also after the fact, when you are either re-creating it in conversation or repressing the emotion. You are missing out on the present and the only real power you have. (Nothing can be done about something that happened in the past. In fact, by dragging it into the present and anticipating the problem recurring, you are in fact doing "negative visualisation" and helping to create the problem again in the future. More on this in another post.)

In Ken Keyes GATHERING POWER THROUGH INSIGHT AND LOVE he explains that first we must recognise addictive demands ("that my spouse not be late") and then up-level them to preferences ("I prefer my spouse not to be late, but I can be happy even if s/he is late") you regain control of your life. None of us, even if we learn to create our own reality, will ever be able to control all the events in our lives. (I will go into this seeming contradiction more in my next post.) None of us will ever be able to control the actions of anyone other than ourselves.

We can, however, learn to control our reactions to things. Two cornerstones of many motivational and positive thought theories are that one must learn to be happy before the circumstances we desire can appear, and that only by learning (or striving to learn) to love ourselves and others unconditionally can we achieve true happiness.

Further, Keyes shows us that we must give ourselves permission to be happy even if situations and people do not conform to our addictive demands. We must re-train our minds to understand that is okay to be happy no matter what is happening.

Everyone behaves badly, everyone has issues, everyone lets someone down at one time or the other. If we judge others by their behaviour then we also judge ourselves. (And there is whole other post on who, exactly, do we think is doing the judging, and how more of our power gets ruined in the mental processes of trying to be "right"?) Judgement takes away your power to create your own reality.

For the last few months I have been listening every night to a lecture given by Louise Hay on learning to love yourself. One of the first things she lists is "stop criticising yourself" and once you do that, you will probably stop criticising other people. The more we learn to accept ourselves and other people the more power we will bring into our lives. And our capacity for happiness will grow. And then our happiness will grow. And the happier we become, the more good we will attract into our lives.

Each one of us is unique and has something to give the world-- something to express-- that no one else can. By creating happiness in the world we already live in-- the one that does not contain all of the things that you want, where you are not thin enough or rich enough or live in the right house, where your spouse is always late--right here and now, exactly as it is, we will begin to draw into our lives exactly what we need and want.

This is not some trick of the God's to make us be happy, or that by being happy with what we have now we will never be able to get what we really want-- rather, this is just how things work. In my post about suicides and people who feel nothing but despair I pointed out that despair is like static. Unhappiness is like a clog in the pipeline. It is not that good things have abandoned you, it is that good thing cannot come to you unless you are accepting of the good you already possess.

If you focus on ill health, despair, past mistakes, guilt, etc, than that is what will come to you. You will not create a reality where you will be happy in the future by being miserable in the present. You are only feeding the misery. You are only drawing more of what you don't want into your life. How many times have you said "when I make this much more money" or "when I have this car" or "when I lose weight" and then those things happened and there was something else to make you unhappy?

Count your blessings. The next time your spouse is late, tell yourself that it is okay to be happy even though you would prefer a more punctual spouse. Affirm that you love your spouse anyhow, and that everyone has faults. Accept that it is happening, and then put it behind you.

You might still mention it, you might still try to change it, but without the drama and unhappiness . There is a chance that when you change your spouse might leave, but if that happens I guarantee you will meet someone who is more suited to your new joyful outlook. But what will probably happen is that your spouse will stop being late. It might take awhile. But while the behaviour is changing it won't bother you so much. You will learn to let it go and have a nice day. And who knows what good you were missing out on being mad all day about something that happened in the morning?

Happiness can be the vehicle that drives you down the road of life. Unlike emotions, or addictive demands, or future goals, happiness will not break down at the side of the road or disappoint you. It will not lead you on wild goose chases or end up being a roundabout that takes you right back where you were before.

It's like a sporty, four wheel drive, all terrain vehicle with GPS and everything else like that. (I don't even own a car right now, so forgive me my metaphor.) It will take you anywhere. Even if you end up on a bumpy road you will get through it okay.

If you decide to be happy you will be. And like attracts like.

PRAISES, THANKS, & BLESSINGS

PS-- I have this note here, and I don't know where this came from and cannot properly credit it, but it is nine steps to Happiness.
1) The intention to be happy
2) Accountability for one's own happiness
3) Identification of what makes one happy
4) Centralization-- happiness as the control to daily life
5) Recasting of tragic events for redeeming value
6) Options
7) Appreciation
8) Giving
9) Truth
That probably sums it up better than my whole long post!